One Last Christmas

This is a video that everyone needs to see ~ you will be touched beyond words and emotions.

Why Your Heart Aches when it Breaks

I thought this was a very interesting article and worth passing on.

Why Your Heart Aches when it Breaks
Ever have a heartache? A throbbing pride that feels like it’s going to burst your chest? New research on social emotions like empathy and appreciation has shown that the way people describe potent feelings is more than metaphor: It’s scientifically accurate.

People experiencing admiration or compassion in the brain will ‘recruit’ nearby neurons to help them feel the emotion physically,” reports Search (July-Aug. 2009). “Intriguingly, the neural systems that get recruited often link to the body’s guts and viscera.” When terrible news punches you in the stomach, your brain helps you quite literally suffer the blow.

The findings come courtesy of a team of researchers led by University of Southern California psychologist Mary Helen Immordino-Yang, who took the somewhat unusual step of researching positive social emotions after working as a junior high school teacher made her curious about how inspiration functions. There’s a disproportionate amount of research into fear and aggression, Search explains, because for brain scientists those emotions are “low-hanging fruit.” Easy to induce, simple to spot on an MRI.

Social emotions like compassion, however, are a uniquely human trait; no other creatures share them. Unlocking them requires some strategy—Immordino-Yang found it difficult to consistently “move” subjects—but the results lend insight into the very core of being human.

Angry

*names have been changed to protect the guilty*
On Friday, my friend Amanda told me that her co-worker's daycare provider, Jessica, was pregnant. Jessica just had a baby in June. My thoughts were, "Wow, Jessica is sure going to be busy with two littles ones so close in age." Before I could voice those thoughts, Amanda told me that Jessica was driving across the state to get an abortion because she "couldn't afford another kid." Even though Stacy (Amanda's co-worker) told Jessica that she thought what she was doing was wrong, and that it would haunt her for the rest of her life, and that there were many people out there who would adopt that baby. None of the pleas of Stacy could deter Jessica from murdering her preborn baby. Saturday morning, she drove across the state and had a "procedure" (I love how we can call murder a "procedure" ~ has a nice clean innocent sound to it huh? When really this "procedure" leaves one dead and one wounded for life) ~ this same day, an acquaintance from my home church lost their tiny baby boy.
Yes I felt like screaming and shaking my fist at God....ummmm HELLO? Is anyone home NOW? Why not let the baby who was so wanted live, and let the baby who was "unwanted" pass peacefully before his/her mother could kill him/her?
Why have I not come to grips that life will never make sense? That horrid things will happen all the time and there is nothing I can do to stop or prevent them?
On days like this, life seems so futile.

Prayer After Miscarriage or Stillbirth

Prayer After Miscarriage or Stillbirth


God, we are weary and grieved. We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon. Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies. Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence. We are saddened and we are angry. We weep and we mourn. Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.



Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care. Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.



Author Unknown

October 15th

On the 15th of Oct, we remember all babies born sleeping, those whom we have carried but never met and those we have held but could not take home. Break the silence. In memory of all the littlest angels. I remember you. You happened and I will always love you.


Every soul that comes into this world
comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is
completed, the soul can leave. The holiest of souls need so little time
here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb,
others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that.
~ Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh ~

Loss

And can it be that in a world so full and busy the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!
~Charles Dickens

One

It came and it went....one person remembered....one.
No, that one person was not my husband. No that one person was not a family member. No that one person was not a IRL friend. That one person was someone I met online a few years ago due to our common parenting interests.
It may seem selfish or self-absorbed of me or just downright laughable, but how does a day as all-consuming, completely horrific and traumatic as the day your baby died just "slip" from the mind? For the most part this is aimed at my husband, at my parents, my sister.
But then again, I guess it is time for me to "move on" (or so I've been told numerous times over the past year) ~ and their complete lack of acknowledgement of Emelia's angelversary hurts more than words could ever express. But what should I have expected? I've walked alone for the past year and will continue to do so.

Life is....

“Here’s a salute to a long life; goodness that outlives the grave, love that outlasts the final breath. May you live in such a way that your death is just the beginning of your life”
Max Lucado from Out Live Your Life
I like this quote...but for me, I have love that outlived not the last breath, but the first breath. Love for a baby I'd never be able to rock to sleep, never be able to kiss away tears, never cry tears over her first day of school, over her graduating from school.
Life is cruel. Life is not fair. Life is bittersweet.
But
Life can also be wonderful.
I'm not to the point of thinking my life is "wonderful" but I am enjoying every beautiful moment and trying to not get so upset over the "ugly" moments.

Tagore Quote

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it. ~ Tagore

Where in the World have I been?

I thought I'd explain some of the "quietness" of the blog.
In July we headed to MN for 2 weeks to spend time with my family. Thankfully that went better than expected.
We got back to MI and less than a week later, we decided to host a foreign exchange student. We picked out a girl from Thailand, who would be staying with us for two weeks.....well as "life" goes, that is exactly what did NOT happen! We ended up with two girls from China for a month =) There is a program called CETUSA and they do a month-long "summer camp" for kids and also do a 2 week "get ready" program. The kids in the summer camp go back to their home country after the month ~ the kids in the 2 week program then move onto a family that they will stay with for the school year.
If you would like to "meet" our host daughters ~ I have posted pictures and some of the activities we did while they were here on my family blog
Also I have decided that there is "no time like the present" to finish my education. I started college (many many years ago....aka Fall 2000) thinking that I'd like to be a physical therapist ~ that has since evolved into nursing. I have a minor completed (Psychology) and about 5-6 semesters left before I'll graduate with my BSN. So I've been busy getting re-enrolled in college, meeting with a new advisor, begging professors to let me in their class at the last minute.
With my oldest son in school all day and my middle son in school every day for half the day, it freed up my schedule a little bit with only one little helper by my side (read: more studying time for Mom). I'm planning on getting certified in Hospice and palliative care ~ as it stands now, I have no desire to do anything in the surgical, obstetics, pediatrics, etc type settings. I do not want to be a "hospital nurse" ~ I want to work with the dying. I was a Hospice volunteer for 2 years during high school and it was something I really enjoyed ~ heart-breaking but at the same time I focused on putting as much quality into the few days my patients had left on earth ~ and in the end, even though it was sad, it was also rewarding.
So, that is where I have been (in a nutshell) for the past 2-ish months.

Quote

I just saw this quote and thought it was a good one:
When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living--even if you don't like it . . . [Don't let] grief be your constant companion . . . Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your... child and rejoice in that love will never end . . . Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal. ~ Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter (Infant Death Center of Wisconsin)

Sorry the blog has been so quiet lately ~ lots going on and I'll fill you in later.

How long?

How long, O Lord? Will you forget
me forever?
How long will you hide your face
from me?
How long must I wrestle with my
thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
Psalm 13:1-2a.

Another Month....

Oh how I dread the 5th of each month.....I push on like it is just another day...but really it isn't. It is like a slap in the face because I have been robbed ~ and all that is left are the "anniversaries" the "Emelia would be....."
I happened upon this article today and throught it was a good one to share:

When You Don't Know What to Say

Within the past 12 days, the communities of both Mt. Pleasant and Alma have experienced the unexpected and tragic loss of young people. Carolynn Cosan, 18, lost her life in an automobile crash three weeks before she was to graduate from high school. Anna Frutiger, 23, died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism as she was completing her first year of dentistry school.

These local and tragic heartbreaks are receiving respectful attention for good reasons. Yet, around the state, country and world, other parents we do not know are also grieving because of recent deaths of children.

Whether a child is age 2 or 22 or 62 is of small consequence to a mother and father. To parents, children are children, no matter how old they get to be. For a son or daughter to leave this world before the parents seems totally wrong.

I know. I lost a 21-year-old son to a fast-moving brain cancer in 2003.

I will not intrude on others' more recent sorrow by reiterating my own experience. Neither will I advise those hurting how to manage grief. There are plenty of experts to consult and books to read. Some believe there is a specified time and order for grief management, but I see grieving and recovery as very personal and experienced in a variety of measures and outcomes.

It is often said that the death of a child is the most profound loss people are forced to bear. I know the great hurt, but in my writings I have avoided comparing the loss of a child to the loss of a spouse, mother, father, grandparent or another dearly loved. Death of a beloved inflicts great pain, and we each must find a way to survive it.

Although you may not be currently struggling with the loss of a family member or close friend, it is probable that occasionally you know of someone faced with grieving a death. That could be an acquaintance through work, school, clubs, neighborhood or community.

Those of you with kind hearts would like to offer sympathy and express care and concern, but too often it is easy to murmur a standard excuse, "I don't know what to say or do."

And so you say or do nothing. Before long, the time to show a simple kindness is gone.

Perhaps you think because your relationship with the grieving is somewhat distant, doing nothing will not be noticed or matter. After all, others with a closer tie are offering their presence, physical needs and personal assistance, surrounding the family like a warm blanket. Surely that is enough.

No, it is not. In offering condolence, there is no such thing as too much. Giving a plate of cookies when already great amounts of food have accumulated may seem excessive, but the gift of food is not just sustenance but a symbol of caring.

Attending a visitation, funeral or memorial service may seem unnecessary when you are sure there will be sufficient presence, but each soul who appears validates concern. Sending a card or note with a few personal words may seem likely to go unnoticed in a stack of others, but every card is a recognition of the family and an honor to the deceased.

It matters - greatly.

When grief calls out, give your attention. Don't claim you don't know what to say or do. Do something - anything. Even the smallest gesture can help ease the pain.

Sue Metzger welcomes comments at csmetzger@charter.net and by mail through the Morning Sun.

The Walking Wounded

From Compassionate Friend Alice Ward-Silverman ~

"We are all survivors of our own personal bat...tle. The battle to try and continue on in life . . . devastated by burying our own child, which no parent should ever have to do. Memorial Day is to honor all those that were or are at war. Let us all honor ourselves for being survivors, the walking wounded."

Another Article

This article is beautifully written ~ the eloquence she writes with is beautiful. I think anyone who has a lost a child, a baby, a piece of their soul will appreciate this article ~ and everyone who has not lost a child, a baby, a piece of their soul should read it....if for nothing else than to gain a smidgen of insight. I have bolded the parts that I was (inwardly) shouting ~ "YES!" to ~ and the part about "empathy based on the death of a pet" ~ oh my goodness ~ YES! I had a friend call the day I birthed Emelia and say "I'm so sorry you lost the baby" and then went on for another 30+ minutes about how she had to put her dog to sleep and how sad she was about that, so I, who am trying to hold it together, ended up comforting her over the death of her dog. Yes I understand pets are special ~ but pets are not human nor do they have souls ~ nor are they your own flesh and blood. Well before I start ranting and raving like some kind of lunatic.....Here is the article:

Last year on Mother's Day, my blond, blue-eyed spitfire of a daughter, Eliza, wrote on a card "5 Reasons I Love My Mom":
5. She's pretty.
4. She makes me laugh.
3. She takes care of me when I'm sick.
2. She always knows how to make me feel better when I am sad.
1. She makes it hard to just write 5 things!
But this Mother's Day, there was no card from Eliza. There was only anguish. Because Eliza is no longer with me. I lost her the day after Christmas.
Two weeks later, I joined the local chapter of The Compassionate Friends of Tallahassee, a self-help bereavement organization for those who have lost a child. This incredible group of people who have experienced the worst life has to offer are the reason I know I will feel whole again someday.
Unlike other parents in this group, because my daughter was born with a congenital heart defect, I always knew losing her was a possibility.
But as Becky Barch, who lost her 16-year-old son, Jonathan, in a car crash, says, "There is no imagining it."
The loss is all-consuming. We will never be the same. And we want no new members.
The second Monday evening of each month, a small room graciously provided by St. Stephen's Lutheran Church fills with parents who have been dealt life's worst blow. We have lost children recently and long ago; children of all ages, from all causes. There is healing with others who know this seemingly interminable pain. We bare our souls, and the tears and words flow.
Sometimes the words aren't pretty. We rant at life's unfairness. We lament the loss of a future our beloved children will never know, the graduations and grandbabies that will never be. And sometimes we rant about "you."
Not you literally, of course, but those who don't understand the basic tenets of civility when it comes to offering condolences.
Platitudes like "She's in a better place" (would you prefer your child dead in that "better" place?), admonitions about how and how long we should grieve, and empathy based on the death of a pet don't comfort us. They just grieve us more.
We are the walking wounded, and words can bring us to our knees. I sobbed until my cheeks mildewed when someone told me that, because of my daughter's illness, she was "doomed from the start."
Sometimes condolences can be stupefying. Had I not already been numb, the fact that someone actually e-mailed me "As ET would say ... ouch" on the very day my daughter died, I might have offered up a finger other than ET's pointer in response.
The insensitivity can't be ascribed to a lack of intelligence. The former comment can be attributed to a professor and the latter to a local attorney. Ironically, I received one of my most poignant and heartfelt condolences at an event sponsored by Pyramid Studios, the creativity bastion in this town for the developmentally disabled.
I was reeling after that evening's performance, because two women I have known for years and who knew about Eliza said nothing to me about her.
Then, a beatific friend of my little brother who, like him, has Down syndrome, came up to me and asked to speak to me in the hallway. She took me aside, hugged me, and tearfully told me how sorry she was to hear about Eliza's passing.
Sometimes I wonder if society has adequately assessed who is "challenged," because that lovely young woman is anything but.
Conversely, the silence of the two mothers was deafening. While I may be hurt by what is said, even I believe saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing. As Miss Manners allows, "No one feels comfortable with the awesome task of trying to comfort the bereaved."
But comforting those who have suffered the loss of a loved one trumps the comfort level of those who have not.
We want you to understand that we have lost our children, not our love for them. We want you to understand is they will always be our children, just as your children will always be your best beloveds. Our greatest fear is that you will forget that they were here.
Saturday, The Compassionate Friends will observe 30 years of helping people like me get through what most agree is the worst thing that can happen to anyone.
From 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. at Dorothy Oven Park on Thomasville Road, we will we hold a butterfly release and reunion dinner. It may be daunting to attend, but we warmly invite anyone — parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend — who has loved and lost a child to join us to celebrate that precious life. There will be fun, food, music and dancing as we remember the joys that were our children.
To be fair, we know it is hard to say the right thing to someone who has lost a child. Miss Manners offers this very simple solution. She calls it "the all-purpose answer."
Just say, "I'm so sorry." Or, in my case, I would love to hear, "I am so sorry about Eliza," because I long to hear the name that is dearer to me than any other. I need to know that you understand she was and is so very cherished and always will be. In that way you will afford me the ultimate kindness of warming my forever-broken heart.

Grief

"The object of good grief is to remember, not relive." ~ author unknown.

If that isn't the truth, I don't know what is!
These past few weeks have been a struggle ~ in fact the past two days have almost killed me ~ I've spent the nights dreaming I was pregnant or had a newborn baby ~ then I wake up to my nightmare.
I'm sick of the cruel jokes "life" seems to be playing on me.

Little Angels

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few,
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be “Goodbye”
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children
“Angels are hard to find”.

- Author Unknown

Stressed, Depressed.....

That's me ~ stressed and depressed.
I wish I could talk about some of the things that are going on...but I can't ~ at least not until a later date. But needless to say it is stressing me out. Which is causing headaches and fun stuff like that.
I've been feeling like I just need to sit down and bawl my eyes out....but in the end all it is, is wasted energy on my part ~ so what's the use?

Better than a Hallelujah

Better Than a Hallelujah

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
better than a choir singin' loud
singin' loud
Repeat Chorus

Save A Place for Me

Save a Place for Me by Matthew West
I love this song! I heard it for the first time on Saturday.
May is a hard month ~ for the obvious reason of Mother's Day without Emelia, but also my grandfather's birthday is the end of this month and Weston's grandfather's(PawPaw) birthday was this month. PawPaw was such an amazing man and I miss him so incredibly much ~ he treated me more like a granddaughter than my biologically grandfathers did.....so this month just "hurts" all around.

Lyrics for Save a Place for Me:

Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

(Chorus)

I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...

(Chorus)

Happy Mother's Day!

Today was definitely a bittersweet day. I wanted to call into the radio DJ today and tell him that yes it is sad that his mother passed away, but what is even more sad is mothers, like me, who have to celebrate this day minus one or more children ~ that is definitely MORE of a tragedy than your not mother being here....you are supposed to out-live your mother, a mother is NOT supposed to out-live her children, especially a young child or a baby.
But I did enjoy the day with my boys ~ they never cease to make me laugh ~ all three are such unique little beings, so alike, yet so different.
Weston took a picture of us today, so I will post that and now I won't be a "nameless, faceless" blogger to you =)
We wish you all a very blessed Mother's Day.

2 Months

Emelia should be 2 months old today....but she is not.
I should be tired from waking up to nurse her and change her diaper....but I am not.
I should be over the moon thrilled with having another baby and my first daughter...I am broken-hearted beyond words.
There are many things that should be....but aren't.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I found this awhile back and I really liked it.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be better.

I will be not be better because of genetics, or money or that
I have read more books but because I have struggled and
toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I
have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over
and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the
rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has
given me this insight, this special vision with which
I will look upon my child that my friends will not
see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
-author unknown

But she forgot to say....

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart
go walking around outside your body.
~ Elizabeth Stone

But what Ms. Stone neglected to say was how once that baby or child dies, so does a part of your heart ~ and that is a part that can never be returned ~ a mother is left forever with a broken heart....something she must learn to live and cope with for the rest of her life.

Alone

Today is International Babyloss Mother's Day....but no one seems to know.
My husband basically ridiculed me for mentioning this and went ahead and did what *he* wanted to do (he usually does). So here I sit ~ when I am done posting this I will go watch the "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" with my youngest son, who thankfully does not really understand tears and sadness at his age.
I sat in church today ~ alone. I will spend the majority of today alone ~ until Weston and the boys get home, then I will have to unpack all their camping stuff, wash it and get ready for Monday.
I am trying not to be bitter and angry.....I don't think it is working.

Rev. 7:17
....And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
Today, this is *my* verse
And this song keeps playing in my mind.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than just what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Emotions

"Emotions are celebrated and repressed, analyzed and medicated, adored and ignored -- but rarely, if ever, are they honored." ~ Karla McLaren

Hurt

So I am sure all of you know that May 2nd is International BabyLoss Mother's Day.
Here's a newsflash for you ~ it's just an arbitrary day ~ it doesn't mean anything. They could pick any day for that.
Yes you just read that right ~ that is what my husband told me when I told him I was *not* going to go spend the weekend out in the middle of nowhere with HIS family (which most have been horrifically NOT understanding and have said some pretty cruel things) picking mushrooms.
To say I'm upset is putting it mildly ~ for the most part he has been a complete jerk about this and I'm getting tired ~ tired of pretending that everything is OK ~ plastering on a happy face when all I want to do is bawl.
My emotions have been on edge as it is because I just found out that I have to go out and get a job. All I've ever wanted to be is a SAHM. But since the medical bills from losing Emelia and now my school loans coming due, there is no choice. I have to leave my children and join the workforce.
Just when you think life couldn't suck any more.....SURPRISE! It can!

The Best Card

Yesterday while I was cleaning I found a card that one of my friends sent me ~ I met this friend in college (she lived next to me in the dorms and we had a class or two together our first year) ~ even though I seldom get to see her, she is probably one of my best friends ~ we've been through quite a bit together.
Anyway, I came across her card and I wanted to share it with you because I absolutely love what she wrote.
"This stupid card has been sitting on my desk since September. I wanted one that just said, "I love you" because that's all I can think of to say. I didn't want to add to the 10 million "I'm sorrys" that you hear. What good is I'm sorry? I'm sorry doesn't help when your heart is ripped out of your chest and suffocated. I want to hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay, that things will get easier.
This is complete crap. I know you will eventually be okay and one day it will get easier....but it's hard to see the light when you're in the bottom of a hole. I LOVE YOU! I KNOW YOU! YOU WILL SURVIVE!
I pray every night that things will get a little easier for you. One day they will.
Is it better to say the wrong thing or to say nothing? I don't know. But I promise you one day you'll wake up and this won't be the first thing you think of.
I LOVE YOU!
-name-

Rom. 12:12

I'm having a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day (and no my name is not Alexander ~ HA!)
I just keep repeating this to myself ~ over and over ~

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer " Rom. 12:12

Freud ~ really?

I'm not a fan of Freud (and never have been....and yes my minor in college was Psychology, so I've taken a *few* psych classes) ~ but I came across this quote and thought that it was pretty good!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although we know after a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know we remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it is filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually, this is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish ~ Sigmund Freud
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been one of those weeks for me ~ one step forward, two steps back. It seems like I'm just strolling along life when all of a sudden (and out of nowhere) WHAM! I am hit broadside ~ totally not even seeing what was hurdling towards me.
I've been cleaning out my crafting room ~ totally a safe thing to do....right? WRONG! I found the paperwork....you know *the* paperwork. My insurance was not going to pay for all the u/s that were needed, so I had to call my doctor to have her write a letter to the insurance company ~ which she did ~ and when I rec'd it I called the insurance company and they said they'd pay for it (darn right you are going to pay for it! We spend more on flippin' insurance than we do on food!!!!!!) ~ but I still have all the paperwork ~ every time I went in (over a month I was in the the doctor's office 1-2x a week) ~ and because I'm obviously masochistic, I read through it....BAD idea. Although I was happy to see that my doctor referred to Emelia as a "baby" and NOT a "product of conception". But looking at that and reading it was like reliving every excruciating minute of it.......
Then I was dragging out some of the summer clothes.....and I stumbled across the newborn cloth diapers I had purchased for Emelia (I had my husband pack them and all my maternity clothes away on September 12th so I had no idea where he'd packed the dipes away).
It's just been one of those weeks.......

Dear God......

The Loss of A Child

The Loss Of A Child

The moment that I knew you had died,
My heart split in two,
The one side filled with memories,
The other died with you.

I often lay awake at night,
When the world is fast asleep,
And take a walk down memory lane,
With tears upon my cheek.

Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
But missing you is a heartache,
That never goes away.

I hold you tightly within my heart,
And there you will remain,
Life has gone on without you,
But it never will be the same.

For those who still have their children,
Treat them with tender care,
You will never know the emptiness,
As when you turn and they are not there.

Don't tell me that you understand,
don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to grieve,
Don't tell me when to cry.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

Author Unknown

The Cruelest Trick of All

This is such a good article ~ an article that everyone should read (the emphasis added at the end is mine).

The Cruelest Trick of All

Viewpoint
Michael Cook


I know I often, well, almost always, rant and rave about politics.

But politics is not what this is about.

As I read Michelle Pelletier-Marshall's moving tribute to her nephew Jonathan (March 22), I was moved to quiet tears.

Ms. Pelletier-Marshall was writing as an aunt experiencing great grief.

But as I read her moving testimony, the only people I could think of were Jonathan's parents.

They have had the cruelest trick of fate possible played on them, namely one of their children has predeceased them.

I am not a parent, so I will not even dare to suggest I understand that kind of pain, but I witnessed what happens to a parent when a child predeceases them two different times in my own family.

The first was when my uncle, a robust man who ran our family's furniture business in Lawrence during the week and spent his weekends and summers at his beach house at Seabrook and on his cabin cruiser the Lady Ruth, named after his beloved wife, died in his sleep at 61. This was over 30 years ago.

My paternal grandmother, who was 82, was devastated.

She wailed or, as the Irish say, she "keened" for my uncle.

My parents, after a time, had little patience for my grandmother's seemingly endless grief.

Several months after my uncle's death, I took my grandmother to lunch at Bishop's, the onetime landmark Lebanese restaurant in Lawrence.

"Grammy," I said, "you have to get on with your life. Uncle Irv is gone."

She — and I was the apple of her eye in terms of the grandchildren — angrily said, "How can you be so cruel? He was my baby, my first born. I was supposed to die before him. You cannot even imagine my pain."

She was right. I hadn't a clue as to the intensity of her pain and grief.

I told my parents what she said and, although they were empathetic, they, along with many in the family, had grown impatient with my grandmother's grief.

She died a couple of years later, a brave and funny woman who'd been robbed of much of her spirit when one of her children predeceased her.

A couple of years later, in January of 1985, my dad passed away, just a few months shy of my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. My mother grieved, of course, but she also had nearly half a century of memories of a marriage that, like all marriages, had both its good and not so good times.

By the spring, she was planning trips and activities with other widowed friends, many of whom she'd known since childhood.

But then, on July, 18, 1985, a midsummer tropical storm whipped up the surf in front of our house at Seabrook Beach.

My oldest brother, along with other parents of kids who'd been his childhood friends on the beach growing up, were chatting away when my youngest niece got grabbed by a riptide. Her older sister, who was just 11, tried to reach her. She too was quickly caught in the rip, and the two were swept offshore.

My brother, who was just 40 at the time, charged into the water.

The long and short of it is, he got to his daughters and managed to keep them afloat until help arrived, but by that time, he was so exhausted, when the rescuers turned to help him, he was lost.

Two days after my brother's funeral, my mother asked me, "Michael, do you think God is punishing me?"

"Mummy," I said, "that's ridiculous."

"Maybe not," she responded. "I was not as patient with your grandmother as I should have been when your uncle died. He may have been 61 and your brother may have been 40, but your grandmother and I are both mothers who lived to bury their first-born sons. I had no idea just how much pain your grandmother endured — until now."

After the deaths of my dad and brother, I went into therapy.

My therapist, like many therapists for some reason, happened to be Jewish. He shared with me, as I began to terminate my time with him, an old Yiddish proverb about what happens when a child predeceases its parents.

The proverb went like this: A rabbi is asked to offer the blessing at the circumcision of a baby boy. The rabbi thinks for a moment and says, "Here is my prayer; grandparents die first, then parents die, and only then child dies." Those in attendance were aghast at such a seemingly negative prayer.

But the rabbi explained, "That is the natural order of things. Anything that disrupts that order is the cruelest trick of all."

I, sadly, have learned just how true that Yiddish proverb is and, after reading Michelle Pelletier-Marshall's touching tribute to her nephew, I know her family is learning that truth as well.

To them I send my prayers and best wishes, and to friends and extended family of Jonathan's parents I say, please, be patient, be open and be present for them as they go through one of the most difficult times of their lives and, most important of all, recognize they will never fully recover from the loss of their beloved son.

Parents, after all, are not supposed to bury their children — no matter what their age.

¢¢¢
Michael Cook lives in Newburyport.

Come Down to the River

Here is another song that I really like ~ the lyrics are right on the money.
I think I need to go down to the river.


Lay 'Em Down

come down to the river
come and let youself in
make good on a promise
to never hurt again
if you're lost and lonely
you're broken down

bring all of your troubles come lay 'em down
all you sinners
and the weak at heart
all you helpless
on the boulevards
wherever you are now
whatever evil you've found

bring all of your troubles
and come lay 'em down
we're all tied to the same old failings
finding shelter in things we know
we're all dirty like corrupted small towns

we'll bring our troubles
we'll bring our troubles lay 'em down
all you rich men
and the high above

all those with and without love
all you burdened broken down
bring all of your troubles
come lay 'em down
come lay 'em down
come lay 'em down

Going Through the Motions

This past week was Spring Break for us....what a rainy doom and gloom spring break that was....and as you can image it did absolutely NOTHING to help with my "doom and gloom" mood as of late.
As I dropped my oldest son off at school this morning, The Motions by Matthew West was playing on the radio, and some of the lyrics really struck me.

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

The bolded words are the ones that made me stop and think ~ because this IS what I've been doing ~ going through the motions, fooling people along the way ~ why of course I'm fine ~ downright peachy in fact, thanks for asking.
When really I'm not.
I'm going through the motions.
My lips say one thing, my heart says another.
It seems like (as of late) it has been one slow step forward, four steps back. I'm cruising along the highway of life and WHAM out of nowhere I get blind-sided and it sets me back. I have a "pity party" of sorts and just get so down and out. I'm becoming more and more introverted. I don't want to be around people unless they are "my" people ~ you know, the ones that aren't pregnant, haven't *just* had a new baby ~ the ones that are "safe" for me. I'm just not ready to put myself "out there" ~ it is exhausting to pretend to be happy-go-lucky.
I know this is something I need to work on, and I actually AM working on it, but I guess "immersion therapy" is NOT something that I want to do right now. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I want to make others around me hurt.
I'm reminding myself on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis that God DOES love me, that Jesus DID die a horrific death because He loves me. I need to keep telling myself this ~ it may have to become my mantra because I feel so unloved today.

I can't.....I just can't!

I *want* to be the bigger person...but I just can't. I'm still too broken. You see my friend that "wasn't even trying!" to get pregnant just had her baby. It hurts ~ it really hurts because this is the friend who told me that she thinks her m/c was more painful than mine because she lost her first child whereas I lost my fourth. There was really nothing I could do ~ I tried to keep my jaw from swinging open, but I think I failed miserably. Who walks around comparing their grief to someone else's grief? I don't understand that at all!
Yes that was her response about something I had posted on my blog (no I was not claiming that anyone's loss was worse than anyone elses) ~ this is one of the reasons why I needed to start this blog.
Yes she lost her first child around 6 weeks into her pregnancy but then went on to get pregnant less than 2 months later ~ this baby she just had was her fourth (counting the first m/c).
We tried for many months before we conceived Emelia ~ the sting of her (careless) words still hurt.
I want to be the bigger person, but right now I can't.

Beautiful Blogger Award

I have been nominated by Jennifer for the Beautiful Blog Award! Thank you so much ~ It really means a lot because I feel that there is a lot of "not beautiful" stuff in my life right now.

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.


~ 7 interesting facts about little yours truly ~

1. My favorite show of all time is Gilmore Girls ~ yes I own all 7 seasons and watch them over and over and over =)

2. I love music ~ I took piano lessons from 1st grade through 9th grade. Sitting down at the piano to play soothes me ~ but I do NOT like classical music...don't like to listen to it or play it! My favorite artists are: Michael W Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Tenth Avenue North, Josh Wilson, The Beatles, JoDee Messina....I could go on and on =)

3. I have three blogs ~ yes three, because two just wasn't enough (HA!). I have a family blog (which is where I post every day stuff...which is the blog where I was pretty much criticized for posting my agonizing pain and sadness over losing Emelia), a crafty blog and this blog.

4. I hate snakes ~ totally hate them (and I don't like to use the word hate). When I was younger I used to *attempt* to be brave and look at snakes in the encyclopedia (remember what those are....yeah that was before that uber-reliable source of information, Wikipedia was invented) ~ I used to squint my eyes and TRY to look at them but I couldn't ~ I felt the uncontrolable urge to scream.

5. I didn't have a wedding ~ my husband and I eloped ~ I found out I was pregnant with Griffin when I was 20 years old (and still in college), so we had a "destination wedding"....at the courthouse =P Why didn't we have a wedding? Because someone told me that "if you have sex before you are married you don't deserve a wedding." So as usual, I was the "undeserving one" ~ story of my life.

6. I love to read ~ everything from magazines to books (but not maps ~ I don't think I could accurately read a map to save my life). Right now two of my favorite magazines are Mothering and Kiwi. The book I am reading right now is The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. I just finished reading "True Colors" by Kristin Hannah and I'm working through the book, "Lord I Want to be Whole" by Stormie Omartian.

7. Even though I am 28 years old I have no idea what I want to "be" when I grow up (well other than an adult ~ as that isn't really optional). I have one semester left until I get my BS in health science with a minor in Psychology. All I ever really wanted to "be" is a mom. But right now I'm trying to decide if I want to keep on the path and become either a genetic counselor (I LOVE genetics) or occupational therapist....or do I want to do something else? I've been toying with the idea of becoming a paramedic or perhaps a hospice nurse. I was a hospice volunteer while I was in high school and I really enjoyed being there with those special people and their fmailies.


And now to nominate 7 other bloggers for this award!

1. Emily at Mumblings from Troy Ohio
2. Maria at Losing Lucy
3. Lisette at Learning to Breathe Again
4. Katy at In Hannah's Honor

Do I lose my award if I only give the Beautiful Blogger Award to 4 special women?

Angel Wings

ANGEL WINGS

A precious angel slipped away, no one heard a cry.
No time for Daddy and Mommy
to sing me lullabies.

My time with you was much too short. I had to leave too soon,
but love had joined us as I grew
inside my Mommy’s womb.

It wove its way within our hearts,
In all our hopes and dreams,
Until the very purest love
became my tiny wings.

Although I could not stay with you,
I knew right from the start,
That once you felt your angel's love,
you'd keep me in your hearts.

I'm just a little angel,
but my time was not in vain.
As the dark clouds that surround you, give way unto the sun,

My precious parents you will see that any heart will sing,
If only for a moment it is brushed by angel wings.
— author unknown

Bittersweet

When I pulled into the driveway this morning I noticed something....flowers....not just any flowers either ~ my favorite spring flowers ~ daffodils. But what was so amazing about these flowers is that they are the first flowers to bloom this year ~ not only are they the first flowers to bloom, but they are the flowers that are planted where my sweet Emelia is buried ~ no other flowers in the rest of my flowerbed even have buds on them ~ yet these little daffodils are blooming away and more will open soon. It was a bittersweet moment for me ~ especially when the first thing I saw on facebook was a link to this poem

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

I absolutely LOVE this....I wish I would've found it sooner....I would've made copies and just handed it to people ~ Perhaps given two copies to the "extra helpful" people.

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.


Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? (YES YES YES! This drives me up a wall! How is it that my sorrow makes me UNgrateful? I have yet to figure this out....how people make this WILD jump that my soul shattering sorrow = UNgratefulness.....sigh...if there is ANYone who is thankful and grateful for what she has, it is the mother who just lost part of her future.)

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

That Crazy Little Thing Called......

Anger...........
Maria is an angel mama I know from the great cloth diapering underworld (what my husband calls it) and Hyena Cart. Even though I've never had the privilege to meet her in person ~ I feel like we are connected somehow. You see Maria lost her precious precious daughter Lucy at almost 39 weeks. She has blog called Losing Lucy ~ other than both being angel baby mamas, we also share something else in common...the 5th of every month marks an anniversary for us ~ another month without our beloved babies. Lucy was also Maria's fourth baby, just like Emelia was mine.
Back on October 5th she posted a post called, That Thing Called Anger ~ I have copied and pasted that entry below (with Maria's permission) ~ just reading it again makes me sob ~ not only with sadness but also with relief. You see my husband had been telling me that there was something wrong with me for not being happy about hearing that people all around me (literally) were pregnant, that I wasn't being a "good Christian" for wishing this pain on someone else ~ for wanting to trade places with that pregnant woman, that I needed help or medication because feeling this way "isn't normal." So the relief I felt when I read what Maria had written was so freeing. I think it was at that moment that just a teeny tiny part of me started to heal ~ I began to think that maybe, just maybe some day I'd be "OK" ~ not great ~ but OK. I can live with OK. OK means I am surviving.
For the most part I've just kept all my anger and bitterness inside ~ this blog has really lifted a weight off of me ~ I feel so much better to be able to just let it all out (with also the "safety" of knowing that my family and a lot of my friends don't know about this.....because let's admit it, they probably wouldn't like what they were reading bcause they don't understand....and heaven forbid they'd have to actually SEE what kind of "help" they given me).
So without further rantings and ravings by me, I leave you with the post by Maria:

That thing called anger.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Anger is a stage of the grieving process.
It's "perfectly natural" to be irrationally angry I'm told.
It's okay to want to punch all the pregnant women you see, as long as you don't actually act on it, I'm told.
Lear and roll your eyes at people with newborn babies, it's ok. I'm told.

So why is it that Anger is the stage hardest for me to let naturally flow?
My brain will start ranting about how unfair it is that other women get to keep their babies but I didn't, and my intelligence jumps in and tells me to not think like that. You don't want to be bitter, it tells me. Smile and be happy, be happy for so and so that they have their baby and they're not going through the hell you are right now.

But the sad fact is that deep down I am not happy for anyone. I am bitter and angry and I hate everyone who gets to keep their baby. I hate everyone who feels superior to me because they have never buried a child. I hate the ignorance people keep spouting at me because they think it helps.

And yet still as I sit here and type my brain says "You can't publish that. What if someone reads it and is offended?"

Does it make me strange?

Does it make me strange to name a baby I never knew the gender of? I told Weston not to check to see if our baby was a boy or a girl ~ at the time knowing that it was my daughter that was waiting in heaven for me would've have killed me....and I honestly mean that ~ I would've ended my life. I have prayed for years for a daughter. Don't hear what I'm not saying ~ I love my boys ~ I have three beautiful, wonderful sons that I wouldn't trade for life itself....but there is *something* missing ~ ever since I found out I was pregnant the first time I secretly hoped it was a daughter. When I got pregnant the second time I PRAYED for a daughter and actually became quite depressed when it was another boy (knowing what I know now I would have REJOICED for a healthy baby at 20 weeks and then again at 25 weeks ~ no matter what the gender) and when my third son was born I had pretty much resigned myself to boys, boys, boys, boys! Although my third son looks a *lot* like I did when I was a baby (which means he is pretty much the cutest baby ever ~ ha) and is pert-near a spitting image of my dad when he was the same age as DoodleBird (yes I look like my dad).
But then.....I got pregnant again. EVERYTHING was different! I wasn't sick 24/7, the heartbeat was so high, I just KNEW I was having a girl. I was counting down the days to the BIG ultrasound that would confirm what I thought I already knew.....I would finally have my daughter...the daughter I have longed for ever since I was a little girl playing "dolls" with my sister.
So, I have decided that although I don't *officially* know it was a girl, in my heart this baby was a girl and I am going to give her the name Emelia Irene ~ named after both of my great grandmas who are watching her in heaven until I can get there and hold her and rock-a-bye her and sing to her and never let her go.

Don't judge the bereaved mother...

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works, she IS
but she IS NOT all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
A child that loses a parent is an orphan.
A husband that loses his wife is a widower.
A wife who loses her husband is a widow.
However, there is no word for a parent that loses a child.
For there is no word to describe such pain.
-author unknown

Shattered ~ My journey in pictures

I was so excited! I found out I was pregnant with our fourth child on my third son's birthday (July 2, 2009)


I put together a little "gift" for my husband ~ two newborn cloth diapers, the positive pregnancy test and I stamped a little tag with the exciting news on it.


On August 21, 2009 I had an ultrasound (I was over 13 weeks pregnant) that showed a happy, active baby with a heartbeat of 182 bpm.


September 11, 2009 (which is my dad's birthday) when I got home from my oldest two sons' soccer game I discovered blood.


September 12, 2009 I gave birth, at home, to a perfectly formed tiny 16 week gestation baby. Who knew you could lose a baby after the first trimester? I thought I was "safe" once we hit 13 weeks ~ we told everyone I was pregnant.....


I am a babyloss mama, an angel mommy ~ I will never be the same and I will never not hurt. My heart has been forever broken, unable to be "fixed" ~ I will always have a scar even if my heart does heal.


No mother should ever have *this* kind of ornament hanging on her Christmas tree...Baby's first Christmas ~ yes! Merry Christmas from Heaven ~ No!


I am hoping that one day out of MY ashes beauty will rise.

Alone ~ so very alone

How come it is the time when you *most* need family, friends, people they aren't there? My husband couldn't get out of bed to drive me to the ER ~ I drove myself, sat in the ER by myself, was treated carelessly by a doctor and nurses all alone. I called my mother to tell her what happened, but she didn't answer her phone because she "wasn't speaking to me" since she found out I was pregnant and was not happy about it. My grandmother who has been through this was silent, my aunt who has been through this said nothing. I think the silence is what hurts ~ it is like they are DELIBERATELY REFUSING to acknowledge I lost a child, a piece of my heart and soul.
And could someone PLEASE explain to me why people rally around a new mother and bring her meals and offer to help, but yet when that same mother loses a baby....where did everyone go?
Is anyone out there?
Don't worry, babyloss is NOT like a cold ~ you aren't going to "catch it" if you help me and just love on me.
Something that really touched my heart is the three people who DID bring over meals (which was a blessing because I could barely move from the extreme physical pain....not to mention the emotional pain). One was a lady from church (who has walked this same dark path more than once) and the other two were the moms of two of my oldest son's friends ~ two women who I had known less than a year ~ their kindness just amazes me! How can people who barely know me, treat me like I was family......while my family looked the other way? That is something I will wonder about for quite awhile.
Because of the way my family acted, I honestly do not want to be around them. I do not want to go up there and spend 3-4 weeks around them....the thought of it makes me feel panicky and a little sick. But at the same time if I *don't* go I KNOW things will deteriorate rapidly ~ the relationship is so fragile right now. Plus it isn't fair to the boys to *not* go up there when that is where the majority of my family and extended family live ~ they look forward to the summers of being able to play on the farm and with friends.
Plus I am still angry ~ very angry at my parents ~ especially my mom. They came here for Christmas and she and I walked around the mall while "the guys" got my parents car fixed. Anyway while we were walking around the mall, my mom felt the need to point out every.single.flipping.baby and make remarks about it ~ how cute, how sweet, wow that's a brand-new baby, etc etc etc. Really? Seriously?!? Instead of pouring salt into my wounds, she reached for the extra strength battery-acid....in a vat....and just dumped it on me. What is the matter with people?!?! Why the H*** would you sit there and point out ALL the babies to someone who just lost theirs? Are you frickin' insane?!? It took EVERY ounce of self-control not to walk out of the mall and just leave her there. I mean how cruel can one person be? This is the person who is supposed to LOVE you more than anything in this world? Sheesh....I wonder what the person who hates me more than life looks like......
Is it any wonder why I am still angry at her? I'm starting to think she is not human....and yet she is able to say to me, "Don't turn your back on God because you've had some sadness in your life." Ummmmm *some* sadness? I guess that is like saying getting both of your legs cut off it a "little" bit of pain. Of course coming from her, it just made me want to laugh hysterically ~ she has no clue and she never will. And yet they (parents) have the AUDACITY to say they have a "grandchild in heaven" ~ please don't be martyrs....you couldn't summon up the energy to be happy about MY CHILD while MY CHILD was alive, so puh-leez you have NO CLAIM on MY CHILD now that MY CHILD is dead. Sorry Charlie, you had your chance, and congratulations you ROYALLY blew it. I wonder if they give Crappiest Mother of the Year awards? I'd like to nominate someone for the 2009 year.....
Yes you may think I'm harsh, bitter, hateful....and you know what ~ you are right. These are just *some* of the issues I am working through right now. Things that I WANT to work through because I am choosing to be BETTER and NOT bitter. But in order to work through them I need to get the bitterness out.
So I guess my "take home lesson" from this is that my mother, my family has proven to be a glowing example of how NOT to be ~ now I know how to be BETTER and I can go forward from here being a better person, a more compassionate person, a person who WILL be there when her friends and family need her. I won't be the one that doesn't call or visit because "I don't know what to say" ~ I will be there through laughter and tears.

I thought of you today

This quote was posted on the Compassionate Friends/USA facebook page and I really liked it.

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought of you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.
~ author unknown

"THE TRUTH IS..."

"THE TRUTH IS..."
By: C.E. Carney, RN.


1.The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.


2.The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.


3.The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if Your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.



4.The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.


5.The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.


6.The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh.Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.


7.The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.


8.The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.


9.The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.


10.The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.


11.The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.


12.The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.

A Thousand Words

A thousand words can't bring you back

I know because I tried

And neither can a million tears

I know because I cried

~ Sarah Ratliff

Before the Morning

Here is another song that I just love ~ it is Before the Morning by Josh Wilson ~ to hear the story behind the song go here

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

A Pair of Shoes

I came across this poem awhile back and I really liked it ~ something in this poem resonated with what I was and am feeling. It really puts perspective to the saying about "walking a mile in another person's shoes" because as this poem shows, once you put these shoes on, you can never take them off ~ you are forever changed and nothing, as you know it, will be the same. Your life has changed, your perspective has changed. All of a sudden the milestones you looked forward to are ones you dread, what should be happy anniversaries/birthdays become a sad reminder of what might have been....what could have been.
People who say things like "it will get easier" are lying. It NEVER gets easier and it never will. I think what happens is that you are able to "cope" ~ I read once about how losing a child was compared to losing a leg. At first you are unable to walk, but slowly you learn how to stand, how to move and limp along ~ eventually some women are able to not only walk again but run....but guess what? These women are still missing a leg and they are accutely aware of that ~ they never "forget" that that missing appendage is no longer there.
I thought the analogy was very fitting. At first how does one even survive this loss? This shattering of your soul? You feel betrayed to the very core and abandoned by everyone, including God ~ perhaps that is the biggest betrayal of all..."GOD HOW COULD YOU?" You scream and yell ~ "WHERE WERE YOU? On vacation? Did you blink? Sneeze? Forget about me? What then?? WHERE WERE YOU?" After somehow survivng the darkest hours you are able to start functioning again, and if you are like me, it was definitely a automated robotic functioning (wake up, feed children, pack husband's lunch, pack oldest son's lunch, dress children, drop oldest son off at school.....you get the picture) ~ you go through the motions, are able to fool people with the answer of "fine" when people ask "how are you doing" (which in my opinion, anyone who asks that of a grieving mother deserves to be drop-kicked....and that is putting it nicely.....because face it, we ALL know NO ONE wants to hear how you are *really* doing....it is just *social politeness* talking...can't you just picture their face if you were to really unload on them about how you were really doing? I think only another angel mama would understand. One thing that helped me was to remember that no one was *deliberately* trying to cause me more pain ~ and like one of my cousins told me, "I haven't talked to you because I don't know what to say." I think that sums it up pretty good ~ people don't know what to say and I don't think they realize that sometimes all a mom needs is just for someone to "be there" for her ~ no words needed, just a pair of embracing arms to hold her). After awhile longer we are able to smile again to "limp" along, to start seeing a break in the clouds. And one day we all must decide one thing, "Am I going to be *bitter* or *better*?" ~ which will be a discussion for a later time.
So for now I leave with this poem:

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~author unknown

Music

I love music ~ music speaks to my soul in ways that words alone cannot. There have been a few songs that have really spoken to me the past few months ~ over the next little while I'll share them with you. For today I'll share this one:

Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

The Purpose of this Blog

First off, I am a SAHM to three little boys and one angel waiting for me in heaven.
After losing my precious angel I wanted to find a way to be able to bring some comfort and love to all the hurting mamas out there who are missing their beloved babies. I wanted to somehow let them know that they are not alone ~ there other moms, just like them, whose arms are empty and hearts are broken. While there is nothing I can do to take that pain away, I would like them to know that I care, I understand their loss and I am grieving with them.
If you or someone you know has lost a baby, I would like to send you a card. One thing I really enjoy doing (I guess you could call it a form of therapy for me) is scrapbooking and making cards. The card I will make will have this image on it (called an Angel for Kayleigh this is a charitable stamp made by Paper Makeup Stamps ~ you can read more about Kayleigh here) ~

I can make it gender specific or gender neutral. The card you receive will not be this one, this is just an example ~ the image will be the same, but the colors and paper used will be different. There is no cost for this, as I consider this my ministry. I can mail the card directly to the recepient or I can mail it to you, so you can give it to the intended mom. Please email me (dandelion.bouquets(at)yahoo.com) with any specifications you would like (gender-specific or gender-neutral) as well as the address of where to send the card.
If you have an angel and would like to share your story on this blog, or if you have a site that really helped you and you would like to share it with others, please email me at the above address.