Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, LOVE leaves a memory no one can steal. Irish Proverb

Monday, May 31, 2010

The Walking Wounded

From Compassionate Friend Alice Ward-Silverman ~

"We are all survivors of our own personal bat...tle. The battle to try and continue on in life . . . devastated by burying our own child, which no parent should ever have to do. Memorial Day is to honor all those that were or are at war. Let us all honor ourselves for being survivors, the walking wounded."

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Another Article

This article is beautifully written ~ the eloquence she writes with is beautiful. I think anyone who has a lost a child, a baby, a piece of their soul will appreciate this article ~ and everyone who has not lost a child, a baby, a piece of their soul should read it....if for nothing else than to gain a smidgen of insight. I have bolded the parts that I was (inwardly) shouting ~ "YES!" to ~ and the part about "empathy based on the death of a pet" ~ oh my goodness ~ YES! I had a friend call the day I birthed Emelia and say "I'm so sorry you lost the baby" and then went on for another 30+ minutes about how she had to put her dog to sleep and how sad she was about that, so I, who am trying to hold it together, ended up comforting her over the death of her dog. Yes I understand pets are special ~ but pets are not human nor do they have souls ~ nor are they your own flesh and blood. Well before I start ranting and raving like some kind of lunatic.....Here is the article:

Last year on Mother's Day, my blond, blue-eyed spitfire of a daughter, Eliza, wrote on a card "5 Reasons I Love My Mom":
5. She's pretty.
4. She makes me laugh.
3. She takes care of me when I'm sick.
2. She always knows how to make me feel better when I am sad.
1. She makes it hard to just write 5 things!
But this Mother's Day, there was no card from Eliza. There was only anguish. Because Eliza is no longer with me. I lost her the day after Christmas.
Two weeks later, I joined the local chapter of The Compassionate Friends of Tallahassee, a self-help bereavement organization for those who have lost a child. This incredible group of people who have experienced the worst life has to offer are the reason I know I will feel whole again someday.
Unlike other parents in this group, because my daughter was born with a congenital heart defect, I always knew losing her was a possibility.
But as Becky Barch, who lost her 16-year-old son, Jonathan, in a car crash, says, "There is no imagining it."
The loss is all-consuming. We will never be the same. And we want no new members.
The second Monday evening of each month, a small room graciously provided by St. Stephen's Lutheran Church fills with parents who have been dealt life's worst blow. We have lost children recently and long ago; children of all ages, from all causes. There is healing with others who know this seemingly interminable pain. We bare our souls, and the tears and words flow.
Sometimes the words aren't pretty. We rant at life's unfairness. We lament the loss of a future our beloved children will never know, the graduations and grandbabies that will never be. And sometimes we rant about "you."
Not you literally, of course, but those who don't understand the basic tenets of civility when it comes to offering condolences.
Platitudes like "She's in a better place" (would you prefer your child dead in that "better" place?), admonitions about how and how long we should grieve, and empathy based on the death of a pet don't comfort us. They just grieve us more.
We are the walking wounded, and words can bring us to our knees. I sobbed until my cheeks mildewed when someone told me that, because of my daughter's illness, she was "doomed from the start."
Sometimes condolences can be stupefying. Had I not already been numb, the fact that someone actually e-mailed me "As ET would say ... ouch" on the very day my daughter died, I might have offered up a finger other than ET's pointer in response.
The insensitivity can't be ascribed to a lack of intelligence. The former comment can be attributed to a professor and the latter to a local attorney. Ironically, I received one of my most poignant and heartfelt condolences at an event sponsored by Pyramid Studios, the creativity bastion in this town for the developmentally disabled.
I was reeling after that evening's performance, because two women I have known for years and who knew about Eliza said nothing to me about her.
Then, a beatific friend of my little brother who, like him, has Down syndrome, came up to me and asked to speak to me in the hallway. She took me aside, hugged me, and tearfully told me how sorry she was to hear about Eliza's passing.
Sometimes I wonder if society has adequately assessed who is "challenged," because that lovely young woman is anything but.
Conversely, the silence of the two mothers was deafening. While I may be hurt by what is said, even I believe saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing. As Miss Manners allows, "No one feels comfortable with the awesome task of trying to comfort the bereaved."
But comforting those who have suffered the loss of a loved one trumps the comfort level of those who have not.
We want you to understand that we have lost our children, not our love for them. We want you to understand is they will always be our children, just as your children will always be your best beloveds. Our greatest fear is that you will forget that they were here.

Saturday, The Compassionate Friends will observe 30 years of helping people like me get through what most agree is the worst thing that can happen to anyone.
From 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. at Dorothy Oven Park on Thomasville Road, we will we hold a butterfly release and reunion dinner. It may be daunting to attend, but we warmly invite anyone — parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend — who has loved and lost a child to join us to celebrate that precious life. There will be fun, food, music and dancing as we remember the joys that were our children.
To be fair, we know it is hard to say the right thing to someone who has lost a child. Miss Manners offers this very simple solution. She calls it "the all-purpose answer."
Just say, "I'm so sorry."
Or, in my case, I would love to hear, "I am so sorry about Eliza," because I long to hear the name that is dearer to me than any other. I need to know that you understand she was and is so very cherished and always will be. In that way you will afford me the ultimate kindness of warming my forever-broken heart.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


"The object of good grief is to remember, not relive." ~ author unknown.

If that isn't the truth, I don't know what is!
These past few weeks have been a struggle ~ in fact the past two days have almost killed me ~ I've spent the nights dreaming I was pregnant or had a newborn baby ~ then I wake up to my nightmare.
I'm sick of the cruel jokes "life" seems to be playing on me.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Little Angels

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few,
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be “Goodbye”
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children
“Angels are hard to find”.

- Author Unknown

Monday, May 17, 2010

Stressed, Depressed.....

That's me ~ stressed and depressed.
I wish I could talk about some of the things that are going on...but I can't ~ at least not until a later date. But needless to say it is stressing me out. Which is causing headaches and fun stuff like that.
I've been feeling like I just need to sit down and bawl my eyes out....but in the end all it is, is wasted energy on my part ~ so what's the use?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Better than a Hallelujah

Better Than a Hallelujah

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Find More lyrics at
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
better than a choir singin' loud
singin' loud
Repeat Chorus

Monday, May 10, 2010

Save A Place for Me

Save a Place for Me by Matthew West
I love this song! I heard it for the first time on Saturday.
May is a hard month ~ for the obvious reason of Mother's Day without Emelia, but also my grandfather's birthday is the end of this month and Weston's grandfather's(PawPaw) birthday was this month. PawPaw was such an amazing man and I miss him so incredibly much ~ he treated me more like a granddaughter than my biologically grandfathers this month just "hurts" all around.

Lyrics for Save a Place for Me:

Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here


I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day!

Today was definitely a bittersweet day. I wanted to call into the radio DJ today and tell him that yes it is sad that his mother passed away, but what is even more sad is mothers, like me, who have to celebrate this day minus one or more children ~ that is definitely MORE of a tragedy than your not mother being are supposed to out-live your mother, a mother is NOT supposed to out-live her children, especially a young child or a baby.
But I did enjoy the day with my boys ~ they never cease to make me laugh ~ all three are such unique little beings, so alike, yet so different.
Weston took a picture of us today, so I will post that and now I won't be a "nameless, faceless" blogger to you =)
We wish you all a very blessed Mother's Day.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

2 Months

Emelia should be 2 months old today....but she is not.
I should be tired from waking up to nurse her and change her diaper....but I am not.
I should be over the moon thrilled with having another baby and my first daughter...I am broken-hearted beyond words.
There are many things that should be....but aren't.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I found this awhile back and I really liked it.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be better.

I will be not be better because of genetics, or money or that
I have read more books but because I have struggled and
toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I
have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over
and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the
rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has
given me this insight, this special vision with which
I will look upon my child that my friends will not

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
-author unknown

Monday, May 3, 2010

But she forgot to say....

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart
go walking around outside your body.
~ Elizabeth Stone

But what Ms. Stone neglected to say was how once that baby or child dies, so does a part of your heart ~ and that is a part that can never be returned ~ a mother is left forever with a broken heart....something she must learn to live and cope with for the rest of her life.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


Today is International Babyloss Mother's Day....but no one seems to know.
My husband basically ridiculed me for mentioning this and went ahead and did what *he* wanted to do (he usually does). So here I sit ~ when I am done posting this I will go watch the "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" with my youngest son, who thankfully does not really understand tears and sadness at his age.
I sat in church today ~ alone. I will spend the majority of today alone ~ until Weston and the boys get home, then I will have to unpack all their camping stuff, wash it and get ready for Monday.
I am trying not to be bitter and angry.....I don't think it is working.

Rev. 7:17
....And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
Today, this is *my* verse
And this song keeps playing in my mind.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than just what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise