Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, LOVE leaves a memory no one can steal. Irish Proverb

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


When I pulled into the driveway this morning I noticed just any flowers either ~ my favorite spring flowers ~ daffodils. But what was so amazing about these flowers is that they are the first flowers to bloom this year ~ not only are they the first flowers to bloom, but they are the flowers that are planted where my sweet Emelia is buried ~ no other flowers in the rest of my flowerbed even have buds on them ~ yet these little daffodils are blooming away and more will open soon. It was a bittersweet moment for me ~ especially when the first thing I saw on facebook was a link to this poem

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

I absolutely LOVE this....I wish I would've found it sooner....I would've made copies and just handed it to people ~ Perhaps given two copies to the "extra helpful" people.

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.

Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? (YES YES YES! This drives me up a wall! How is it that my sorrow makes me UNgrateful? I have yet to figure this people make this WILD jump that my soul shattering sorrow = UNgratefulness.....sigh...if there is ANYone who is thankful and grateful for what she has, it is the mother who just lost part of her future.)

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Monday, March 29, 2010

That Crazy Little Thing Called......

Maria is an angel mama I know from the great cloth diapering underworld (what my husband calls it) and Hyena Cart. Even though I've never had the privilege to meet her in person ~ I feel like we are connected somehow. You see Maria lost her precious precious daughter Lucy at almost 39 weeks. She has blog called Losing Lucy ~ other than both being angel baby mamas, we also share something else in common...the 5th of every month marks an anniversary for us ~ another month without our beloved babies. Lucy was also Maria's fourth baby, just like Emelia was mine.
Back on October 5th she posted a post called, That Thing Called Anger ~ I have copied and pasted that entry below (with Maria's permission) ~ just reading it again makes me sob ~ not only with sadness but also with relief. You see my husband had been telling me that there was something wrong with me for not being happy about hearing that people all around me (literally) were pregnant, that I wasn't being a "good Christian" for wishing this pain on someone else ~ for wanting to trade places with that pregnant woman, that I needed help or medication because feeling this way "isn't normal." So the relief I felt when I read what Maria had written was so freeing. I think it was at that moment that just a teeny tiny part of me started to heal ~ I began to think that maybe, just maybe some day I'd be "OK" ~ not great ~ but OK. I can live with OK. OK means I am surviving.
For the most part I've just kept all my anger and bitterness inside ~ this blog has really lifted a weight off of me ~ I feel so much better to be able to just let it all out (with also the "safety" of knowing that my family and a lot of my friends don't know about this.....because let's admit it, they probably wouldn't like what they were reading bcause they don't understand....and heaven forbid they'd have to actually SEE what kind of "help" they given me).
So without further rantings and ravings by me, I leave you with the post by Maria:

That thing called anger.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Anger is a stage of the grieving process.
It's "perfectly natural" to be irrationally angry I'm told.
It's okay to want to punch all the pregnant women you see, as long as you don't actually act on it, I'm told.
Lear and roll your eyes at people with newborn babies, it's ok. I'm told.

So why is it that Anger is the stage hardest for me to let naturally flow?
My brain will start ranting about how unfair it is that other women get to keep their babies but I didn't, and my intelligence jumps in and tells me to not think like that. You don't want to be bitter, it tells me. Smile and be happy, be happy for so and so that they have their baby and they're not going through the hell you are right now.

But the sad fact is that deep down I am not happy for anyone. I am bitter and angry and I hate everyone who gets to keep their baby. I hate everyone who feels superior to me because they have never buried a child. I hate the ignorance people keep spouting at me because they think it helps.

And yet still as I sit here and type my brain says "You can't publish that. What if someone reads it and is offended?"

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Does it make me strange?

Does it make me strange to name a baby I never knew the gender of? I told Weston not to check to see if our baby was a boy or a girl ~ at the time knowing that it was my daughter that was waiting in heaven for me would've have killed me....and I honestly mean that ~ I would've ended my life. I have prayed for years for a daughter. Don't hear what I'm not saying ~ I love my boys ~ I have three beautiful, wonderful sons that I wouldn't trade for life itself....but there is *something* missing ~ ever since I found out I was pregnant the first time I secretly hoped it was a daughter. When I got pregnant the second time I PRAYED for a daughter and actually became quite depressed when it was another boy (knowing what I know now I would have REJOICED for a healthy baby at 20 weeks and then again at 25 weeks ~ no matter what the gender) and when my third son was born I had pretty much resigned myself to boys, boys, boys, boys! Although my third son looks a *lot* like I did when I was a baby (which means he is pretty much the cutest baby ever ~ ha) and is pert-near a spitting image of my dad when he was the same age as DoodleBird (yes I look like my dad).
But then.....I got pregnant again. EVERYTHING was different! I wasn't sick 24/7, the heartbeat was so high, I just KNEW I was having a girl. I was counting down the days to the BIG ultrasound that would confirm what I thought I already knew.....I would finally have my daughter...the daughter I have longed for ever since I was a little girl playing "dolls" with my sister.
So, I have decided that although I don't *officially* know it was a girl, in my heart this baby was a girl and I am going to give her the name Emelia Irene ~ named after both of my great grandmas who are watching her in heaven until I can get there and hold her and rock-a-bye her and sing to her and never let her go.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Don't judge the bereaved mother...

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks,
she cleans, she works, she IS
but she IS NOT all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
A child that loses a parent is an orphan.
A husband that loses his wife is a widower.
A wife who loses her husband is a widow.
However, there is no word for a parent that loses a child.
For there is no word to describe such pain.
-author unknown

Friday, March 26, 2010

Shattered ~ My journey in pictures

I was so excited! I found out I was pregnant with our fourth child on my third son's birthday (July 2, 2009)

I put together a little "gift" for my husband ~ two newborn cloth diapers, the positive pregnancy test and I stamped a little tag with the exciting news on it.

On August 21, 2009 I had an ultrasound (I was over 13 weeks pregnant) that showed a happy, active baby with a heartbeat of 182 bpm.

September 11, 2009 (which is my dad's birthday) when I got home from my oldest two sons' soccer game I discovered blood.

September 12, 2009 I gave birth, at home, to a perfectly formed tiny 16 week gestation baby. Who knew you could lose a baby after the first trimester? I thought I was "safe" once we hit 13 weeks ~ we told everyone I was pregnant.....

I am a babyloss mama, an angel mommy ~ I will never be the same and I will never not hurt. My heart has been forever broken, unable to be "fixed" ~ I will always have a scar even if my heart does heal.

No mother should ever have *this* kind of ornament hanging on her Christmas tree...Baby's first Christmas ~ yes! Merry Christmas from Heaven ~ No!

I am hoping that one day out of MY ashes beauty will rise.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Alone ~ so very alone

How come it is the time when you *most* need family, friends, people they aren't there? My husband couldn't get out of bed to drive me to the ER ~ I drove myself, sat in the ER by myself, was treated carelessly by a doctor and nurses all alone. I called my mother to tell her what happened, but she didn't answer her phone because she "wasn't speaking to me" since she found out I was pregnant and was not happy about it. My grandmother who has been through this was silent, my aunt who has been through this said nothing. I think the silence is what hurts ~ it is like they are DELIBERATELY REFUSING to acknowledge I lost a child, a piece of my heart and soul.
And could someone PLEASE explain to me why people rally around a new mother and bring her meals and offer to help, but yet when that same mother loses a baby....where did everyone go?
Is anyone out there?
Don't worry, babyloss is NOT like a cold ~ you aren't going to "catch it" if you help me and just love on me.
Something that really touched my heart is the three people who DID bring over meals (which was a blessing because I could barely move from the extreme physical pain....not to mention the emotional pain). One was a lady from church (who has walked this same dark path more than once) and the other two were the moms of two of my oldest son's friends ~ two women who I had known less than a year ~ their kindness just amazes me! How can people who barely know me, treat me like I was family......while my family looked the other way? That is something I will wonder about for quite awhile.
Because of the way my family acted, I honestly do not want to be around them. I do not want to go up there and spend 3-4 weeks around them....the thought of it makes me feel panicky and a little sick. But at the same time if I *don't* go I KNOW things will deteriorate rapidly ~ the relationship is so fragile right now. Plus it isn't fair to the boys to *not* go up there when that is where the majority of my family and extended family live ~ they look forward to the summers of being able to play on the farm and with friends.
Plus I am still angry ~ very angry at my parents ~ especially my mom. They came here for Christmas and she and I walked around the mall while "the guys" got my parents car fixed. Anyway while we were walking around the mall, my mom felt the need to point out and make remarks about it ~ how cute, how sweet, wow that's a brand-new baby, etc etc etc. Really? Seriously?!? Instead of pouring salt into my wounds, she reached for the extra strength a vat....and just dumped it on me. What is the matter with people?!?! Why the H*** would you sit there and point out ALL the babies to someone who just lost theirs? Are you frickin' insane?!? It took EVERY ounce of self-control not to walk out of the mall and just leave her there. I mean how cruel can one person be? This is the person who is supposed to LOVE you more than anything in this world? Sheesh....I wonder what the person who hates me more than life looks like......
Is it any wonder why I am still angry at her? I'm starting to think she is not human....and yet she is able to say to me, "Don't turn your back on God because you've had some sadness in your life." Ummmmm *some* sadness? I guess that is like saying getting both of your legs cut off it a "little" bit of pain. Of course coming from her, it just made me want to laugh hysterically ~ she has no clue and she never will. And yet they (parents) have the AUDACITY to say they have a "grandchild in heaven" ~ please don't be couldn't summon up the energy to be happy about MY CHILD while MY CHILD was alive, so puh-leez you have NO CLAIM on MY CHILD now that MY CHILD is dead. Sorry Charlie, you had your chance, and congratulations you ROYALLY blew it. I wonder if they give Crappiest Mother of the Year awards? I'd like to nominate someone for the 2009 year.....
Yes you may think I'm harsh, bitter, hateful....and you know what ~ you are right. These are just *some* of the issues I am working through right now. Things that I WANT to work through because I am choosing to be BETTER and NOT bitter. But in order to work through them I need to get the bitterness out.
So I guess my "take home lesson" from this is that my mother, my family has proven to be a glowing example of how NOT to be ~ now I know how to be BETTER and I can go forward from here being a better person, a more compassionate person, a person who WILL be there when her friends and family need her. I won't be the one that doesn't call or visit because "I don't know what to say" ~ I will be there through laughter and tears.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I thought of you today

This quote was posted on the Compassionate Friends/USA facebook page and I really liked it.

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought of you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.
~ author unknown

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


By: C.E. Carney, RN.

1.The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2.The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

3.The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if Your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.

4.The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

5.The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

6.The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh.Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.

7.The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

8.The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.

9.The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.

10.The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

11.The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

12.The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.

Monday, March 22, 2010

A Thousand Words

A thousand words can't bring you back

I know because I tried

And neither can a million tears

I know because I cried

~ Sarah Ratliff

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Before the Morning

Here is another song that I just love ~ it is Before the Morning by Josh Wilson ~ to hear the story behind the song go here

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A Pair of Shoes

I came across this poem awhile back and I really liked it ~ something in this poem resonated with what I was and am feeling. It really puts perspective to the saying about "walking a mile in another person's shoes" because as this poem shows, once you put these shoes on, you can never take them off ~ you are forever changed and nothing, as you know it, will be the same. Your life has changed, your perspective has changed. All of a sudden the milestones you looked forward to are ones you dread, what should be happy anniversaries/birthdays become a sad reminder of what might have been....what could have been.
People who say things like "it will get easier" are lying. It NEVER gets easier and it never will. I think what happens is that you are able to "cope" ~ I read once about how losing a child was compared to losing a leg. At first you are unable to walk, but slowly you learn how to stand, how to move and limp along ~ eventually some women are able to not only walk again but run....but guess what? These women are still missing a leg and they are accutely aware of that ~ they never "forget" that that missing appendage is no longer there.
I thought the analogy was very fitting. At first how does one even survive this loss? This shattering of your soul? You feel betrayed to the very core and abandoned by everyone, including God ~ perhaps that is the biggest betrayal of all..."GOD HOW COULD YOU?" You scream and yell ~ "WHERE WERE YOU? On vacation? Did you blink? Sneeze? Forget about me? What then?? WHERE WERE YOU?" After somehow survivng the darkest hours you are able to start functioning again, and if you are like me, it was definitely a automated robotic functioning (wake up, feed children, pack husband's lunch, pack oldest son's lunch, dress children, drop oldest son off at get the picture) ~ you go through the motions, are able to fool people with the answer of "fine" when people ask "how are you doing" (which in my opinion, anyone who asks that of a grieving mother deserves to be drop-kicked....and that is putting it nicely.....because face it, we ALL know NO ONE wants to hear how you are *really* is just *social politeness* talking...can't you just picture their face if you were to really unload on them about how you were really doing? I think only another angel mama would understand. One thing that helped me was to remember that no one was *deliberately* trying to cause me more pain ~ and like one of my cousins told me, "I haven't talked to you because I don't know what to say." I think that sums it up pretty good ~ people don't know what to say and I don't think they realize that sometimes all a mom needs is just for someone to "be there" for her ~ no words needed, just a pair of embracing arms to hold her). After awhile longer we are able to smile again to "limp" along, to start seeing a break in the clouds. And one day we all must decide one thing, "Am I going to be *bitter* or *better*?" ~ which will be a discussion for a later time.
So for now I leave with this poem:

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~author unknown

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I love music ~ music speaks to my soul in ways that words alone cannot. There have been a few songs that have really spoken to me the past few months ~ over the next little while I'll share them with you. For today I'll share this one:

Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

The Purpose of this Blog

First off, I am a SAHM to three little boys and one angel waiting for me in heaven.
After losing my precious angel I wanted to find a way to be able to bring some comfort and love to all the hurting mamas out there who are missing their beloved babies. I wanted to somehow let them know that they are not alone ~ there other moms, just like them, whose arms are empty and hearts are broken. While there is nothing I can do to take that pain away, I would like them to know that I care, I understand their loss and I am grieving with them.
If you or someone you know has lost a baby, I would like to send you a card. One thing I really enjoy doing (I guess you could call it a form of therapy for me) is scrapbooking and making cards. The card I will make will have this image on it (called an Angel for Kayleigh this is a charitable stamp made by Paper Makeup Stamps ~ you can read more about Kayleigh here) ~

I can make it gender specific or gender neutral. The card you receive will not be this one, this is just an example ~ the image will be the same, but the colors and paper used will be different. There is no cost for this, as I consider this my ministry. I can mail the card directly to the recepient or I can mail it to you, so you can give it to the intended mom. Please email me (dandelion.bouquets(at) with any specifications you would like (gender-specific or gender-neutral) as well as the address of where to send the card.
If you have an angel and would like to share your story on this blog, or if you have a site that really helped you and you would like to share it with others, please email me at the above address.