Maria is an angel mama I know from the great cloth diapering underworld (what my husband calls it) and Hyena Cart. Even though I've never had the privilege to meet her in person ~ I feel like we are connected somehow. You see Maria lost her precious precious daughter Lucy at almost 39 weeks. She has blog called Losing Lucy ~ other than both being angel baby mamas, we also share something else in common...the 5th of every month marks an anniversary for us ~ another month without our beloved babies. Lucy was also Maria's fourth baby, just like Emelia was mine.
Back on October 5th she posted a post called, That Thing Called Anger ~ I have copied and pasted that entry below (with Maria's permission) ~ just reading it again makes me sob ~ not only with sadness but also with relief. You see my husband had been telling me that there was something wrong with me for not being happy about hearing that people all around me (literally) were pregnant, that I wasn't being a "good Christian" for wishing this pain on someone else ~ for wanting to trade places with that pregnant woman, that I needed help or medication because feeling this way "isn't normal." So the relief I felt when I read what Maria had written was so freeing. I think it was at that moment that just a teeny tiny part of me started to heal ~ I began to think that maybe, just maybe some day I'd be "OK" ~ not great ~ but OK. I can live with OK. OK means I am surviving.
For the most part I've just kept all my anger and bitterness inside ~ this blog has really lifted a weight off of me ~ I feel so much better to be able to just let it all out (with also the "safety" of knowing that my family and a lot of my friends don't know about this.....because let's admit it, they probably wouldn't like what they were reading bcause they don't understand....and heaven forbid they'd have to actually SEE what kind of "help" they given me).
So without further rantings and ravings by me, I leave you with the post by Maria:
That thing called anger.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Anger is a stage of the grieving process.
It's "perfectly natural" to be irrationally angry I'm told.
It's okay to want to punch all the pregnant women you see, as long as you don't actually act on it, I'm told.
Lear and roll your eyes at people with newborn babies, it's ok. I'm told.
So why is it that Anger is the stage hardest for me to let naturally flow?
My brain will start ranting about how unfair it is that other women get to keep their babies but I didn't, and my intelligence jumps in and tells me to not think like that. You don't want to be bitter, it tells me. Smile and be happy, be happy for so and so that they have their baby and they're not going through the hell you are right now.
But the sad fact is that deep down I am not happy for anyone. I am bitter and angry and I hate everyone who gets to keep their baby. I hate everyone who feels superior to me because they have never buried a child. I hate the ignorance people keep spouting at me because they think it helps.
And yet still as I sit here and type my brain says "You can't publish that. What if someone reads it and is offended?"