Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, LOVE leaves a memory no one can steal. Irish Proverb

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Alone ~ so very alone

How come it is the time when you *most* need family, friends, people they aren't there? My husband couldn't get out of bed to drive me to the ER ~ I drove myself, sat in the ER by myself, was treated carelessly by a doctor and nurses all alone. I called my mother to tell her what happened, but she didn't answer her phone because she "wasn't speaking to me" since she found out I was pregnant and was not happy about it. My grandmother who has been through this was silent, my aunt who has been through this said nothing. I think the silence is what hurts ~ it is like they are DELIBERATELY REFUSING to acknowledge I lost a child, a piece of my heart and soul.
And could someone PLEASE explain to me why people rally around a new mother and bring her meals and offer to help, but yet when that same mother loses a baby....where did everyone go?
Is anyone out there?
Don't worry, babyloss is NOT like a cold ~ you aren't going to "catch it" if you help me and just love on me.
Something that really touched my heart is the three people who DID bring over meals (which was a blessing because I could barely move from the extreme physical pain....not to mention the emotional pain). One was a lady from church (who has walked this same dark path more than once) and the other two were the moms of two of my oldest son's friends ~ two women who I had known less than a year ~ their kindness just amazes me! How can people who barely know me, treat me like I was family......while my family looked the other way? That is something I will wonder about for quite awhile.
Because of the way my family acted, I honestly do not want to be around them. I do not want to go up there and spend 3-4 weeks around them....the thought of it makes me feel panicky and a little sick. But at the same time if I *don't* go I KNOW things will deteriorate rapidly ~ the relationship is so fragile right now. Plus it isn't fair to the boys to *not* go up there when that is where the majority of my family and extended family live ~ they look forward to the summers of being able to play on the farm and with friends.
Plus I am still angry ~ very angry at my parents ~ especially my mom. They came here for Christmas and she and I walked around the mall while "the guys" got my parents car fixed. Anyway while we were walking around the mall, my mom felt the need to point out and make remarks about it ~ how cute, how sweet, wow that's a brand-new baby, etc etc etc. Really? Seriously?!? Instead of pouring salt into my wounds, she reached for the extra strength a vat....and just dumped it on me. What is the matter with people?!?! Why the H*** would you sit there and point out ALL the babies to someone who just lost theirs? Are you frickin' insane?!? It took EVERY ounce of self-control not to walk out of the mall and just leave her there. I mean how cruel can one person be? This is the person who is supposed to LOVE you more than anything in this world? Sheesh....I wonder what the person who hates me more than life looks like......
Is it any wonder why I am still angry at her? I'm starting to think she is not human....and yet she is able to say to me, "Don't turn your back on God because you've had some sadness in your life." Ummmmm *some* sadness? I guess that is like saying getting both of your legs cut off it a "little" bit of pain. Of course coming from her, it just made me want to laugh hysterically ~ she has no clue and she never will. And yet they (parents) have the AUDACITY to say they have a "grandchild in heaven" ~ please don't be couldn't summon up the energy to be happy about MY CHILD while MY CHILD was alive, so puh-leez you have NO CLAIM on MY CHILD now that MY CHILD is dead. Sorry Charlie, you had your chance, and congratulations you ROYALLY blew it. I wonder if they give Crappiest Mother of the Year awards? I'd like to nominate someone for the 2009 year.....
Yes you may think I'm harsh, bitter, hateful....and you know what ~ you are right. These are just *some* of the issues I am working through right now. Things that I WANT to work through because I am choosing to be BETTER and NOT bitter. But in order to work through them I need to get the bitterness out.
So I guess my "take home lesson" from this is that my mother, my family has proven to be a glowing example of how NOT to be ~ now I know how to be BETTER and I can go forward from here being a better person, a more compassionate person, a person who WILL be there when her friends and family need her. I won't be the one that doesn't call or visit because "I don't know what to say" ~ I will be there through laughter and tears.


Emily said...

Lindsy, it warms my heart to see you vent a little! It's so much better than letting the poison continue to eat your heart.

As for your parents, well, what can I say? Their (non?)reactions were deplorable. You deserve to have someone there for you "for better or worse" - which really has me scratching my head why hubby couldn't get out of bed and take you to the ER. Anyway, I've had a similar experience with my parents, and you'd be surprised how many BLM's have gone through the same thing. Inexcusable, the way our hearts have been left to rot.

That's why we have to band together and be there for each other. I'm here for you! ((hugs)) and much love, sister.

Yankee Girl said...

First of all I want to say I am so sorry for your loss my heart truely goes out to you.

2nd of all...

My heart breaks hearing that another woman "another Mother" has been treated the same way I was. I thought my family members were the only ones that cruel but I guess that I was wrong.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care

Lisette said...

I just found your blog. I am sorry you have to go through all of this and that your family is not supportive. It is times like this when we realize who is really there for us. Sending you big ((hugs)).

retriever farm said...

Wow Emily told me to check you out and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. As for your family I don't know. Maybe they just don't know how to act, esp since they were so against the pregnancy in the first place. I know when I lost my little one It seemed like people just didn't know how to react or what to say. I know that doesn't help much. I am sorry you are hurting so much, but there is a great support of folks on this blog I've seen it through Emily how much others care, and how taboo it is to those who haven't experienced it. Sending love and hugs your way.

Rikki said...

I have just found your blog and wanted to say how sorry i am for your loss, and the fact that you have had to put up with all of this as well breaks my heart.
It is amazing how people that you hardly know can be so supportive at times like this but people that you expect to be there for you are nowhere to be found.

Shannon said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also very sorry for your lack of family support. I just have no words to say what I feel about what you've said about them. Well, there are words, they're just words I'm trying to say less of in my life. I hurt for you on so many levels.

Vent as much and as openly as you need to. I'll be here (via Emily) to support you, even if you don't know me from Eve.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Hi there, my name is Jennifer. I lost my son, Bryston in July and my rainbow baby Peanut in December of last year. I am so so sorry for your loss. I know how much I leaned on my family, and still do, to get through this. I am sorry that they are not being very supportive or sensitive. Just know that I'm praying. *HUGS*

klarsen said...

I am so sorry for the lack of support from your family. You will find LOTS of support in this community. Just letting you know you'll be in my prayers and I am so sorry for your loss.


Amy said...

Linds~ I love you! I wish we lived closer.