Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, LOVE leaves a memory no one can steal. Irish Proverb

Monday, April 12, 2010

Going Through the Motions

This past week was Spring Break for us....what a rainy doom and gloom spring break that was....and as you can image it did absolutely NOTHING to help with my "doom and gloom" mood as of late.
As I dropped my oldest son off at school this morning, The Motions by Matthew West was playing on the radio, and some of the lyrics really struck me.

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

The bolded words are the ones that made me stop and think ~ because this IS what I've been doing ~ going through the motions, fooling people along the way ~ why of course I'm fine ~ downright peachy in fact, thanks for asking.
When really I'm not.
I'm going through the motions.
My lips say one thing, my heart says another.
It seems like (as of late) it has been one slow step forward, four steps back. I'm cruising along the highway of life and WHAM out of nowhere I get blind-sided and it sets me back. I have a "pity party" of sorts and just get so down and out. I'm becoming more and more introverted. I don't want to be around people unless they are "my" people ~ you know, the ones that aren't pregnant, haven't *just* had a new baby ~ the ones that are "safe" for me. I'm just not ready to put myself "out there" ~ it is exhausting to pretend to be happy-go-lucky.
I know this is something I need to work on, and I actually AM working on it, but I guess "immersion therapy" is NOT something that I want to do right now. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I want to make others around me hurt.
I'm reminding myself on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis that God DOES love me, that Jesus DID die a horrific death because He loves me. I need to keep telling myself this ~ it may have to become my mantra because I feel so unloved today.

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