Emotions

"Emotions are celebrated and repressed, analyzed and medicated, adored and ignored -- but rarely, if ever, are they honored." ~ Karla McLaren

Hurt

So I am sure all of you know that May 2nd is International BabyLoss Mother's Day.
Here's a newsflash for you ~ it's just an arbitrary day ~ it doesn't mean anything. They could pick any day for that.
Yes you just read that right ~ that is what my husband told me when I told him I was *not* going to go spend the weekend out in the middle of nowhere with HIS family (which most have been horrifically NOT understanding and have said some pretty cruel things) picking mushrooms.
To say I'm upset is putting it mildly ~ for the most part he has been a complete jerk about this and I'm getting tired ~ tired of pretending that everything is OK ~ plastering on a happy face when all I want to do is bawl.
My emotions have been on edge as it is because I just found out that I have to go out and get a job. All I've ever wanted to be is a SAHM. But since the medical bills from losing Emelia and now my school loans coming due, there is no choice. I have to leave my children and join the workforce.
Just when you think life couldn't suck any more.....SURPRISE! It can!

The Best Card

Yesterday while I was cleaning I found a card that one of my friends sent me ~ I met this friend in college (she lived next to me in the dorms and we had a class or two together our first year) ~ even though I seldom get to see her, she is probably one of my best friends ~ we've been through quite a bit together.
Anyway, I came across her card and I wanted to share it with you because I absolutely love what she wrote.
"This stupid card has been sitting on my desk since September. I wanted one that just said, "I love you" because that's all I can think of to say. I didn't want to add to the 10 million "I'm sorrys" that you hear. What good is I'm sorry? I'm sorry doesn't help when your heart is ripped out of your chest and suffocated. I want to hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay, that things will get easier.
This is complete crap. I know you will eventually be okay and one day it will get easier....but it's hard to see the light when you're in the bottom of a hole. I LOVE YOU! I KNOW YOU! YOU WILL SURVIVE!
I pray every night that things will get a little easier for you. One day they will.
Is it better to say the wrong thing or to say nothing? I don't know. But I promise you one day you'll wake up and this won't be the first thing you think of.
I LOVE YOU!
-name-

Rom. 12:12

I'm having a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day (and no my name is not Alexander ~ HA!)
I just keep repeating this to myself ~ over and over ~

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer " Rom. 12:12

Freud ~ really?

I'm not a fan of Freud (and never have been....and yes my minor in college was Psychology, so I've taken a *few* psych classes) ~ but I came across this quote and thought that it was pretty good!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although we know after a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know we remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it is filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually, this is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish ~ Sigmund Freud
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been one of those weeks for me ~ one step forward, two steps back. It seems like I'm just strolling along life when all of a sudden (and out of nowhere) WHAM! I am hit broadside ~ totally not even seeing what was hurdling towards me.
I've been cleaning out my crafting room ~ totally a safe thing to do....right? WRONG! I found the paperwork....you know *the* paperwork. My insurance was not going to pay for all the u/s that were needed, so I had to call my doctor to have her write a letter to the insurance company ~ which she did ~ and when I rec'd it I called the insurance company and they said they'd pay for it (darn right you are going to pay for it! We spend more on flippin' insurance than we do on food!!!!!!) ~ but I still have all the paperwork ~ every time I went in (over a month I was in the the doctor's office 1-2x a week) ~ and because I'm obviously masochistic, I read through it....BAD idea. Although I was happy to see that my doctor referred to Emelia as a "baby" and NOT a "product of conception". But looking at that and reading it was like reliving every excruciating minute of it.......
Then I was dragging out some of the summer clothes.....and I stumbled across the newborn cloth diapers I had purchased for Emelia (I had my husband pack them and all my maternity clothes away on September 12th so I had no idea where he'd packed the dipes away).
It's just been one of those weeks.......

Dear God......

The Loss of A Child

The Loss Of A Child

The moment that I knew you had died,
My heart split in two,
The one side filled with memories,
The other died with you.

I often lay awake at night,
When the world is fast asleep,
And take a walk down memory lane,
With tears upon my cheek.

Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
But missing you is a heartache,
That never goes away.

I hold you tightly within my heart,
And there you will remain,
Life has gone on without you,
But it never will be the same.

For those who still have their children,
Treat them with tender care,
You will never know the emptiness,
As when you turn and they are not there.

Don't tell me that you understand,
don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to grieve,
Don't tell me when to cry.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

Author Unknown

The Cruelest Trick of All

This is such a good article ~ an article that everyone should read (the emphasis added at the end is mine).

The Cruelest Trick of All

Viewpoint
Michael Cook


I know I often, well, almost always, rant and rave about politics.

But politics is not what this is about.

As I read Michelle Pelletier-Marshall's moving tribute to her nephew Jonathan (March 22), I was moved to quiet tears.

Ms. Pelletier-Marshall was writing as an aunt experiencing great grief.

But as I read her moving testimony, the only people I could think of were Jonathan's parents.

They have had the cruelest trick of fate possible played on them, namely one of their children has predeceased them.

I am not a parent, so I will not even dare to suggest I understand that kind of pain, but I witnessed what happens to a parent when a child predeceases them two different times in my own family.

The first was when my uncle, a robust man who ran our family's furniture business in Lawrence during the week and spent his weekends and summers at his beach house at Seabrook and on his cabin cruiser the Lady Ruth, named after his beloved wife, died in his sleep at 61. This was over 30 years ago.

My paternal grandmother, who was 82, was devastated.

She wailed or, as the Irish say, she "keened" for my uncle.

My parents, after a time, had little patience for my grandmother's seemingly endless grief.

Several months after my uncle's death, I took my grandmother to lunch at Bishop's, the onetime landmark Lebanese restaurant in Lawrence.

"Grammy," I said, "you have to get on with your life. Uncle Irv is gone."

She — and I was the apple of her eye in terms of the grandchildren — angrily said, "How can you be so cruel? He was my baby, my first born. I was supposed to die before him. You cannot even imagine my pain."

She was right. I hadn't a clue as to the intensity of her pain and grief.

I told my parents what she said and, although they were empathetic, they, along with many in the family, had grown impatient with my grandmother's grief.

She died a couple of years later, a brave and funny woman who'd been robbed of much of her spirit when one of her children predeceased her.

A couple of years later, in January of 1985, my dad passed away, just a few months shy of my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. My mother grieved, of course, but she also had nearly half a century of memories of a marriage that, like all marriages, had both its good and not so good times.

By the spring, she was planning trips and activities with other widowed friends, many of whom she'd known since childhood.

But then, on July, 18, 1985, a midsummer tropical storm whipped up the surf in front of our house at Seabrook Beach.

My oldest brother, along with other parents of kids who'd been his childhood friends on the beach growing up, were chatting away when my youngest niece got grabbed by a riptide. Her older sister, who was just 11, tried to reach her. She too was quickly caught in the rip, and the two were swept offshore.

My brother, who was just 40 at the time, charged into the water.

The long and short of it is, he got to his daughters and managed to keep them afloat until help arrived, but by that time, he was so exhausted, when the rescuers turned to help him, he was lost.

Two days after my brother's funeral, my mother asked me, "Michael, do you think God is punishing me?"

"Mummy," I said, "that's ridiculous."

"Maybe not," she responded. "I was not as patient with your grandmother as I should have been when your uncle died. He may have been 61 and your brother may have been 40, but your grandmother and I are both mothers who lived to bury their first-born sons. I had no idea just how much pain your grandmother endured — until now."

After the deaths of my dad and brother, I went into therapy.

My therapist, like many therapists for some reason, happened to be Jewish. He shared with me, as I began to terminate my time with him, an old Yiddish proverb about what happens when a child predeceases its parents.

The proverb went like this: A rabbi is asked to offer the blessing at the circumcision of a baby boy. The rabbi thinks for a moment and says, "Here is my prayer; grandparents die first, then parents die, and only then child dies." Those in attendance were aghast at such a seemingly negative prayer.

But the rabbi explained, "That is the natural order of things. Anything that disrupts that order is the cruelest trick of all."

I, sadly, have learned just how true that Yiddish proverb is and, after reading Michelle Pelletier-Marshall's touching tribute to her nephew, I know her family is learning that truth as well.

To them I send my prayers and best wishes, and to friends and extended family of Jonathan's parents I say, please, be patient, be open and be present for them as they go through one of the most difficult times of their lives and, most important of all, recognize they will never fully recover from the loss of their beloved son.

Parents, after all, are not supposed to bury their children — no matter what their age.

¢¢¢
Michael Cook lives in Newburyport.

Come Down to the River

Here is another song that I really like ~ the lyrics are right on the money.
I think I need to go down to the river.


Lay 'Em Down

come down to the river
come and let youself in
make good on a promise
to never hurt again
if you're lost and lonely
you're broken down

bring all of your troubles come lay 'em down
all you sinners
and the weak at heart
all you helpless
on the boulevards
wherever you are now
whatever evil you've found

bring all of your troubles
and come lay 'em down
we're all tied to the same old failings
finding shelter in things we know
we're all dirty like corrupted small towns

we'll bring our troubles
we'll bring our troubles lay 'em down
all you rich men
and the high above

all those with and without love
all you burdened broken down
bring all of your troubles
come lay 'em down
come lay 'em down
come lay 'em down

Going Through the Motions

This past week was Spring Break for us....what a rainy doom and gloom spring break that was....and as you can image it did absolutely NOTHING to help with my "doom and gloom" mood as of late.
As I dropped my oldest son off at school this morning, The Motions by Matthew West was playing on the radio, and some of the lyrics really struck me.

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

The bolded words are the ones that made me stop and think ~ because this IS what I've been doing ~ going through the motions, fooling people along the way ~ why of course I'm fine ~ downright peachy in fact, thanks for asking.
When really I'm not.
I'm going through the motions.
My lips say one thing, my heart says another.
It seems like (as of late) it has been one slow step forward, four steps back. I'm cruising along the highway of life and WHAM out of nowhere I get blind-sided and it sets me back. I have a "pity party" of sorts and just get so down and out. I'm becoming more and more introverted. I don't want to be around people unless they are "my" people ~ you know, the ones that aren't pregnant, haven't *just* had a new baby ~ the ones that are "safe" for me. I'm just not ready to put myself "out there" ~ it is exhausting to pretend to be happy-go-lucky.
I know this is something I need to work on, and I actually AM working on it, but I guess "immersion therapy" is NOT something that I want to do right now. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I want to make others around me hurt.
I'm reminding myself on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis that God DOES love me, that Jesus DID die a horrific death because He loves me. I need to keep telling myself this ~ it may have to become my mantra because I feel so unloved today.

I can't.....I just can't!

I *want* to be the bigger person...but I just can't. I'm still too broken. You see my friend that "wasn't even trying!" to get pregnant just had her baby. It hurts ~ it really hurts because this is the friend who told me that she thinks her m/c was more painful than mine because she lost her first child whereas I lost my fourth. There was really nothing I could do ~ I tried to keep my jaw from swinging open, but I think I failed miserably. Who walks around comparing their grief to someone else's grief? I don't understand that at all!
Yes that was her response about something I had posted on my blog (no I was not claiming that anyone's loss was worse than anyone elses) ~ this is one of the reasons why I needed to start this blog.
Yes she lost her first child around 6 weeks into her pregnancy but then went on to get pregnant less than 2 months later ~ this baby she just had was her fourth (counting the first m/c).
We tried for many months before we conceived Emelia ~ the sting of her (careless) words still hurt.
I want to be the bigger person, but right now I can't.

Beautiful Blogger Award

I have been nominated by Jennifer for the Beautiful Blog Award! Thank you so much ~ It really means a lot because I feel that there is a lot of "not beautiful" stuff in my life right now.

Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.


~ 7 interesting facts about little yours truly ~

1. My favorite show of all time is Gilmore Girls ~ yes I own all 7 seasons and watch them over and over and over =)

2. I love music ~ I took piano lessons from 1st grade through 9th grade. Sitting down at the piano to play soothes me ~ but I do NOT like classical music...don't like to listen to it or play it! My favorite artists are: Michael W Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Tenth Avenue North, Josh Wilson, The Beatles, JoDee Messina....I could go on and on =)

3. I have three blogs ~ yes three, because two just wasn't enough (HA!). I have a family blog (which is where I post every day stuff...which is the blog where I was pretty much criticized for posting my agonizing pain and sadness over losing Emelia), a crafty blog and this blog.

4. I hate snakes ~ totally hate them (and I don't like to use the word hate). When I was younger I used to *attempt* to be brave and look at snakes in the encyclopedia (remember what those are....yeah that was before that uber-reliable source of information, Wikipedia was invented) ~ I used to squint my eyes and TRY to look at them but I couldn't ~ I felt the uncontrolable urge to scream.

5. I didn't have a wedding ~ my husband and I eloped ~ I found out I was pregnant with Griffin when I was 20 years old (and still in college), so we had a "destination wedding"....at the courthouse =P Why didn't we have a wedding? Because someone told me that "if you have sex before you are married you don't deserve a wedding." So as usual, I was the "undeserving one" ~ story of my life.

6. I love to read ~ everything from magazines to books (but not maps ~ I don't think I could accurately read a map to save my life). Right now two of my favorite magazines are Mothering and Kiwi. The book I am reading right now is The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. I just finished reading "True Colors" by Kristin Hannah and I'm working through the book, "Lord I Want to be Whole" by Stormie Omartian.

7. Even though I am 28 years old I have no idea what I want to "be" when I grow up (well other than an adult ~ as that isn't really optional). I have one semester left until I get my BS in health science with a minor in Psychology. All I ever really wanted to "be" is a mom. But right now I'm trying to decide if I want to keep on the path and become either a genetic counselor (I LOVE genetics) or occupational therapist....or do I want to do something else? I've been toying with the idea of becoming a paramedic or perhaps a hospice nurse. I was a hospice volunteer while I was in high school and I really enjoyed being there with those special people and their fmailies.


And now to nominate 7 other bloggers for this award!

1. Emily at Mumblings from Troy Ohio
2. Maria at Losing Lucy
3. Lisette at Learning to Breathe Again
4. Katy at In Hannah's Honor

Do I lose my award if I only give the Beautiful Blogger Award to 4 special women?

Angel Wings

ANGEL WINGS

A precious angel slipped away, no one heard a cry.
No time for Daddy and Mommy
to sing me lullabies.

My time with you was much too short. I had to leave too soon,
but love had joined us as I grew
inside my Mommy’s womb.

It wove its way within our hearts,
In all our hopes and dreams,
Until the very purest love
became my tiny wings.

Although I could not stay with you,
I knew right from the start,
That once you felt your angel's love,
you'd keep me in your hearts.

I'm just a little angel,
but my time was not in vain.
As the dark clouds that surround you, give way unto the sun,

My precious parents you will see that any heart will sing,
If only for a moment it is brushed by angel wings.
— author unknown